Pot Stocks

I bought some pot stocks – ERBB, HEMP, CBIS, PHOT, MRJA. I’ve had about $50 in each since Thursday. After three days in the market I’m up $75. My understanding is that alcohol and prostitution will always be lucrative businesses despite what the market does. I think we can add weed to that list. Two states are legalized now. Movements don’t move backwards in a democracy (early 1900s alcohol excluded). Two states are legal now. This industry will continue to grow as states continue to legalize and tax from the profits made. I only hope that I’ve selected the right stock symbols in the market. Carl

Attack or Concede?

The problem leading up to the boardroom is in not knowing what information your opponent has or how they will use it. Most people pull the trigger too fast and indicate an issue to you through an “FYSA” email before the meeting, or by hinting at issues during small talk in the office. The small talk and FYSAs can serve as nudges that something larger will come out in the meeting. So, the preparation begins.

I, in the past, waited until the meeting. Or, if I wanted to appear to be a good guy I’d send an email to my prey 30 minutes before the meeting. This allows very little preparation time for my opponent, but also enables me to say “I sent you the details on this earlier today.” Maybe I can make the attack and appear to be the good guy just looking out for the welfare of the organization.

I recently changed some tactics after a Lieutenant Colonel found out I had information before a meeting by looking at an email string. He called me and threatened to make my children disappear if I told anyone (figuratively). Lately I’ve been communicating issues directly to him and refraining from bringing up contentious topics in the meetings. I don’t feel as good collaborating. I feel like I’m cheating myself of the glory of an incite – and handing my hard work and analysis to my prey for the prey’s betterment.

I think I’ll go on the attack again. Carl

Incite versus Efficiency

I’m not certain that I’ll need online college to continue learning. But there is something about deadlines and assignments that make me work toward something. So I have the BA in History and Political Science, the MS in Psychology, and now I would like to increase my understanding in Philosophy. I think it forces the student to look at the world with a new perspective and to search for creative answers to problems others were only barely aware existed.

I don’t think many of my bosses understand themselves or their organizations. They are the outputs of business schools which seek to increase efficiency and build upon ideas. What they don’t see is that efficiency is based upon routine. Routine and low tolerance for error. This is what kills innovation. They won’t be able to build upon ideas in an innovationless environment.

Innovation centers are loose. This climate allows for mistakes. It encourages them. It wants people to pursue their interests because people can only gain incite when they are actively working. No one gains incite by following the Standing Operating Procedures. The workers don’t have to be creative when their jobs are laid out in the procedures they must follow to produce work with zero errors. Someone else did the thinking for them so they focus on getting from “said step 6” to “said step 7,” and then on to 8.

I don’t want to be the SOP building leader. Or the SOP enforcing leader. I want to motivate people. Carl

Defeating Goliath

I need to stay dangerous. Dangerousity in the boardroom or office environment requires navigating small groups, and one-on-on interactions, giving the perception of impenetrability through deceptive or real means. If I can get individuals in the group to think defensively they can’t formulate a plan for attack. The enemy can’t throw a power punch while back-peddling. My activity, or perceived activity, has to force them into a passive state.

I need to find a degree program at the Master’s level that will help me sharpen my blades. I’ll finish the Master’s in Psychology in June. I have a background in history, philosophy, and political science. All these tools assist. I was thinking I could go for a tech degree, but what can this do to help me in the boardroom? Maybe literature? In studying novels the reader should seek to find nuances of people’s motives which may help me, but the stories aren’t real.

I need something to help me win the head-to-head battles. I have learn to defeat Goliath. Carl

I’ll kill you in your sleep

Life isn’t about being good. It’s about winning. You have to position yourself for the kill or make others realize that fucking with you is like fucking with fire. Some people position through connections with others. They conduct network positioning. This is an effective strategy because there is safety in numbers. The only problem is that in order to gain people’s trust you have to let your guard down. Someone from the inside can conduct a sneak attack.

I prefer to go it alone. I never tell people that I’ll murder them verbally, but they know. They are cognizant that it’s best to stay on my good side. They even attempt to please me to try to win favor. Maybe they think that I’ll have mercy on them when the kill shot opens up. Carl

Introverts vs Extroverts

I make terrible company. It’s crazy all the shit that I’ll fill my day with (ie music, tv, reading, emailing, language learning, etc) so I don’t have to be within myself. I wonder why that’s so hard for me. But I think it’s probably less hard for me than it is for others.

I learned a new perspective on introverts/extroverts the other day. I always saw it as extroverts living in the outside world and introverts as living within themselves. What I learned was that extroverts get used to things faster (habituation is the scientific term). This explains, to me, why I’m quiet when I first show up to an organization for a longer period than most. It also explains why most people that first meet me gain the impression that I don’t like them. It takes me a long time to get used to new people, things, and situations (habituate). But once I’m comfortable I destroy some shit, make good impressions, and knock down targets.

People that habituate faster (extroverts) get bored faster, thrill seek, and make impulsive decisions. I now understand why I suffered more than most when I first got to Kuwait, but I’m thriving more than most now. I suck at change. I like things to stay the same. I find routine and kill it. Others (extroverts) get bored with routine and cease to function. So, on long deployments I do well where others want to kill themselves because it’s groundhog day.

I miss home still, but I’m getting used to this now so I’m okay. I’m actually starting to get into this. It’s kinda like college. I sucked the first few years, but once I got used to it I started hitting the dean’s list. Or like marriage. It took me 11 years to really realize how much I love Milota. Just thoughts. Carl

The Suffering/Mattering Equation

I see it as a mixed problem. I want what I do in my life to matter…and not just matter a little, but matter a lot. After all, I’m suffering through this life. I struggle every day. I have lots of good moments every day, more good than bad, but I can’t say that there is a single day that goes by when I don’t suffer, want, or hurt in some way physically, mentally, or emotionally. We all struggle through our lives. With that idea in mind, I want my life to count for some shit.

So, mattering a little isn’t good enough for me. How do I increase my amount of mattering? I influence more lives. How can I best influence more lives? Well, I can work my way to the top of an organization, increase my responsibility, and in the process make more money while influencing more lives. But doing this will increase the amount of work I have to do, thereby diminishing my free time, and increasing my anxiety, worry, and overall suffering.

I’ve come to this troubling conclusion. I want my life to matter because I’m suffering through my life, so I want my life to count for something. But in order for my life to count for something I need to work harder and take on larger tasks, which will increase my suffering. This is some cruel ass game. Carl Miller

Mood Overhaul

It’s weird how mood affects outlook. Moods adjust with outside influence, chemical imbalances within, and patterned thought processes. Perspective on life can appear positive one moment and negative the next – with no warning. The funny thing is that mood influences world outlook in total. The viewer sees all outside events and inside feelings through the lens of a singular recent negative event. Negative moods rearrange the priorities on what the viewer thinks about. It’s a snowball. Once the negative snowball starts rolling downhill the negative feelings gather increasing amounts of negative snow, and the ball gets bigger and bigger. This happens more with negative moods than positive.

Positive feelings have the power to minimize troubles, but the troubles remain nonetheless. Negative moods obliterate the positive.

I have to figure out a way to recognize the negative mood, see it for what it is, and eliminate it. I have to learn to refocus my attention and feel the positive aspects of my life. This sounds easy. I’m sure it isn’t though. Living positively means working hard to maintain the positive machine. It’ll need oil changes, fuel to run on, and at times major repairs, a tune up, and hopefully not too many overhauls. Carl Miller

Most People Never Experience Love

It’d be cool to see the art. It makes me feel good.

Should I start to worry about Steve and the iPad? I haven’t been saying much to Milota about it because she’s working with the kids on a regular basis (with iPads) teaching them school stuff.

Something that I figured out since I’ve been here in combination with my time off work after coming here is that I love Milota. I think it took 11 years to get there, but I think I finally believe in love and the binding power it has, as well as the addictive potential of it.

I think Milota and I had separate worlds up to this point. Our world’s (mine of work/study and hers of children/volunteering) occasionally met up, but were separate for the most part until April. In April I made the conscious decision to focus on Milota. I knew I’d be leaving soon, and she’d need my support to care for the kids. I went with her plan for the kids, and supported in whatever way I could. I also stated to ignore any annoyance I had with her, and did everything in my power to see the world from her perspective when she had a problem with me. I also explained back to her what I thought her perspective was about me, and explained how I could see that I was wrong in the situation (I never explained how she was wrong).

The result: she started apologizing when she made a mistake, and she stopped looking for things I did to annoy her. We were fighting less. I started to want to spend more time with her. I cancelled all social and work engagements deemed unnecessary. I started to fall in love. I stared to feel more secure. She started to feel more secure. The kids seemed happier.

Now I have no doubt that love exists. I realize here in Kuwait that I like that we live in one world (or at least our two worlds are as close as I can get them). Love is kind of wonderful. I don’t miss beer or substances here. I miss Milota. I miss how she arranges the world around me to make it more beautiful. I didn’t even realize what she was doing before…but now I know. Life is not complete without her. I have an enormous hole in my heart, a lump in my throat, and I’m constantly suppressing tears as I realize that I’m continent away from, and months out from, seeing my other half again.

I don’t know if there’s only one person for each person in the world, but it feels like it. I don’t know if it takes 11 years to build love, but if it doesn’t I know that I wasted too much time in my journey to get to this point. It’s taken a lot of work to get here…all worth it.

I feel pity for all who have not experienced this. And judging from the way others talk about their wife’s I think that people that have experienced true love are in the great minority.

Hit me back, fool. -Carl

All Consuming Love

I think that love is the answer. I know we’ve been married for 11 years, so I’m slow to reach this conclusion. But I feel this love and it’s all consuming. And it’s not just feeling. It’s action, it’s thoughts, it’s connections, it’s everything, and everything leads to you. I refuse to let go of love, and I’ll do anything to maintain it.

We’re here for a short time, and that’s been on my mind lately. Since we’re here for such a short period the ultimate purpose for the world can’t be about us as individuals. The purpose can’t be about any individual. Our purpose could be about the whole lot of us, though. So what has the power to bind all of us together? Love. Love is the connecting factor. I’m in love with love, and the feeling of how I love you.

So how can I get better at love so I can feel it more often and stronger? Practice. I have to practice through you, and you through me. Between us we can feel love all the time, and we can practice on the kids too – maybe they can learn to love earlier than I did. Our actions toward each other, as a family, will affect our personalities over time making us more loving people, people who will do right by our group and beyond.

I’ve reached the conclusion that you are my key. My key to enlightenment, happiness, purpose, and well….love. I don’t think I could have found this overwhelming feeling with just anyone. You and I were molded for each other. We were meant to be. I am not whole without you. Hence why I feel incomplete right now.

Love ya, Carl Miller