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Pompous Aching

I gain rises in anger, insult, loneliness, and guilt.  Admittedly, I hit fleeting moments of content, happiness, and awe.  But positive upswings occur infrequently and are mere molehills leading to the jagged and treacherous mountains of negativity I experience as my modus operandi.  I’m unable to induce the positive.  The negative is induced by anyone seeking conflict, complaining, expressing a need, or simply standing near me with or without permission.  Why am I numb to the positive?  Is it the same with everyone else or am I unique in my suffering?  Everyone aches, but not like me.  I see the idiots promenading about praising Jesus, talking football and video games, and obeying traffic laws.  They aren’t the same as me.  We are of dissimilar breeds.  They will linger on ad infinitum as happy dumb-fucks, outlasting me after my heart attack or cancer stimulated by stress.  So, I can’t talk about it – no one understands.  My complaints insinuate pomposity to the commoner.  And to my wife . . . my suffering is insulting her, scares her, accuses her, and drives her away.  If she understood (which she doesn’t) I’d still suffer.  -unfigurable


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