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Consuming is my problem

I struggle a lot with myself, consumption, how I feel, etc.  I’m always consuming something in a futile effort to feel “good.”  The problem is that when I feel good I don’t want to lose the feeling so I consume even more to hold on and I end up feeling like crap.  I’m also in a continuous struggle to quit consuming.  I want to eat less and healthier, drink less soda, drink less beer, smoke less cigarettes, consume less TV…

When I get to a point of quitting something, though, I get an empty feeling inside me and then I fill it with the thing I’ve tried to quit.  So, I’ll stop smoking cigarettes for a month and then I’ll go buy a pack.  Or I’ll stop caffeine for a week and I’ll reward myself with a Monster.  It’s almost as if I’m not making my own decisions.  My mind gets overridden by my unconscious or something.

I do know that I feel great on the days when I consume very little.  It’s hard for me to understand why I can’t continue healthy habits that make me feel good…when I’m consuming to (mistakenly) make me feel good.  Life is super  confusing for me.  I’ll figure it out some time.  I know I’m getting there but the road is slow. -Carl Miller



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